i am done with my graceless heart
by lydiamartins
Summary: Brittle nails claw at wispy hair, falling and spinning the years away / or, in which Dylan begins to lose herself in methods of rote followings until there is nothing left but the need to continue.


**author's note:** well, um-erg. this is really pointless, and has no really meaning, but one of my friends keeps on wanting to go on a diet, and started these ridiculous food logs, and then we all thought it was a joke, since she usually goes on diets for eight hours (only when she sleeps), but then she stopped eating, completely, and it's really scary.

[**WARNING**: i'm not sure if this is a realistic interpretation, but this, is in no way, meant to be a joke, or to offend anybody; if it does, please notify me, and i'll fix this].

writing's kinda a way for me to cope with this. this is for you,** jenna. (beta-read by the fantastical splendeur and within a sepulchre!)**

**clara**

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**.**

It's kind of a funny story.

Not, really, but you'll just assume that the last week of your life was totally worth it, even if it _did _eventually end up changing you forever.

You like to think that it started with the logs.

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**introductory statements: **this hereby, is a food log, recording all calories consumed (but not burned) on a daily basis. refusal to do so, daily, will result in morbid obesity and other avoidable defects of a westchurian, perfectionist lifestyle.

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**5/15/13:**

**Breakfast:**

Apple: 95

Cereal: 200

Milk: 120

**Lunch:**

Granola Bar: 190

Candy: 200

Hummus & Taplue: 90

Nectarine: 20

**Snack:**

Watermelon: 50

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**reflections/thoughts: **as of yet, this day has become progressively and progressively worse. in order to lose weight, on another die, decrease the amount of cereal, **NEVER **eat "granola bars" or "candy". No apple or other food in the morning, though. Ever. The current number of calories totals: 965. That is simply unacceptable, considering that dinner will perhaps be close to four hundred calories. Nearly 1400 calories, for you, a twelve-year old girl is absurd.

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**Dinner:**

upma (plain & simple): 113.8

**Total:** 1017.8

**Water Total: **8 ½ glasses (some were big & hot, and others were small & cold)

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**reflections/thoughts: you **guess that's an okay number (not really), but it could have been around eight hundred or seven hundred if you didn't eat candy or the granola bar and the apple. so, tomorrow, you pledge not to eat dna double helix materials, not eat on the afternoon bus, and "run out of time" to eat the apple in the morning, and instead have to take it on the bus, and you'll "lose" the apple bag. great first day!

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**reflections/thoughts: **this morning was _horrible. _you **must **study in order to avoid failure, because if you get another b in your life, who knows where you'll find work? not even mcdonald's will take you. or a **cherry**-picking farm (you hate cherries.). even the streets will throw you off.

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**5/16/13:**

**Breakfast:**

Cereal: 140

Milk: 120

Watermelon: 30

(+2 glasses of water)

**reflections/thoughts: **you're wearing the most hideous outfit today, so when massie asks, you just lie and say that your mom insisted on choosing your outfit (even though your mom has so much better taste that you ever will have/could have had/need to have).

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Today, in science class, you look in the reflection of your netbook and see a big, fat, shapeless blob of cellulite.

_That's you, _you think to yourself, grimacing.

What kind of monster have you turned yourself into? Last year, last summer even, you were rocking that hot 'bod (and even though guys look at you more than they did last year, you want to be like how you were then), and now, you've gone on food binges.

Will you ever stop?

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**Lunch:**

Donut: 123.1

Hummus: 20

Nectarine: 20

(+1 ¾ glass of water)

**reflections/thoughts: **why in the freaking messed-up world did you have to even look at those donuts, stacked deliciously on top of one another. they're just** so **freaking tempting, and you can't look away. you have to have one; just one, you tell yourself. "they're only a dollar", the old lady says. you sicken yourself.

**Snack:**

Apples (2): 170

Mango (1): 100

Lemonade: 10

(+2 glasses of water)

**reflections/thoughts: **what the cake?! never eat that much snack again; refuse your nanny next time, 'cause when you grow up, you don't want to even be like her: you want to be perfect. she's anything but. as of now, 773.1 calories is your intake.

**Dinner:**

Saamiya: 100

Pineapple: 40

(+3 glasses of water)

**Total: **913.1

**Water Intake: **8 ¾

**reflections/thoughts: **you decreased around 100 calories from yesterday; the decrease needs to be around that much, every day, until you eat around six hundred calories. that's a good way to lose weight, plus, today, you did karate (martial arts + swimming = so many calories burnt), so great job with that! stop being happy, though. you look horrible in leggings with your fatty, cellulite-filled thighs.

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**5/17/13:**

**Breakfast**:

Cereal: 150

Milk: 80

Watermelon: 50

Cupcake: 100

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**reflections/thoughts:** what the freak. why did you have to eat that cupcake? you know that it was "lagney" day; some popular-ish kids in your math class decided that they should make a day to celebrate teachers, and imitate them. like, taking their shoes off (bad decision), eating grapes, making cupcakes, and drinking water full of food coloring. it was kinda fun, actually, 'cause right before and after, your crush actually talked to you, which was nice. really nice. but not worth the extra hundred calories.

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"All the tests have been turned in," the blond substitute teacher announces, putting her hands together like she's about to announce her engagement. "So-" she speaks to the class like they're all five years old; some of them do act that way, though. "-we're going to play a game!"

Turns out that the game involves intellect.

Suddenly, in french class, where nobody talks to the stuck-up nerd (little miss perfect, that's what they call you), everybody wants to friends with you. Why's that? For the extra credit and the chance to not have to go to summer school, that's why.

(It's not like anybody would ever want to be friends with you, for real.)

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**Lunch:**

Pineapple (7 small pieces): 40

**Snack:**

Banana (small): 90

Crackers: 80

**Dinner:**

Taplue: 250

Vegetables: 10

**Total Calories**: 850

**Water Intake**: 9 ½ glasses

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**ending statements:** you failed. you only lost three pounds in three days. and you stopped your food logs, perhaps for good; you're a quitter, you've quit everything you've ever liked, and now you're nothing but a monster. how are you supposed to be perfect, if you can't even do something as simple as lose weight?

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_You're a failure. You're a failure. You're a failure._

The words echo in your mind, repeating themselves again and again, until there's nothing else but that silent urge to continue, to make yourself seem satisfied, to be in control of everything and anything that's ever been yours.

If you, Dylan Marvil, can't even do that, how are you ever supposed to be perfect?


End file.
